28 January 2017

Seconds, Thirds.

I thought about it for a while. It’s been a while – been a while since we last spoke about our dreams and our hopes for the future. It’s been a while since the day we talked about how serious our relationship would go. Been a while since I felt those strong emotions surging in me as you spoke truth about your disappointments in my so-called runaway from home. We talked over this during Valentine’s Day. I was waiting for a motorcycle ride just by the sidewalk where I cried like a hyena, I was not even so sure of how I was supposed to feel about creating that gap between my emotions and my reality.   

I trusted you fully about everything – I was close to giving my all, my universe, my empty room of despair, sadness and a little bit of everything that I kept discreet for a while. I left without knowing what to do, without remembering what and how to feel about it. Somehow I put one foot forward, and I tried walking. I felt like I was tripping in some ways, I was not finding my balance.

I wanted to know how it feels to be you; to feel hurt about everything and be immersed in just genuine sadness of losing someone so dear to you – not because she wanted to but because she was surprised by all the hazards, the confusion and the emotions that it made her feel. I myself wanted to die for killing you the way I did because not a single bit you deserve any of those. In the end, I will bear all the consequences. And guess what, I don't think I can bear it any longer. I wish there were second, maybe third chances. Maybe along the way I just decided to change my mind and heart. My after all, I thought seriously about you and about us. I wish you would take second chances just as it would heal the brokenness and distrust you felt all year long.  

I thought wrong about us and I know a million sorry will never be enough. I’ve kept you in my thoughts long before I thought of anyone or anything else.