It doesn’t matter how many lives we have saved from feeling repressed, lonely, hurt and forgotten. It doesn’t even matter how much we have inspired and lit someone else’s lives from the way our gestures stroke them, the way our love moved them and even how our empathy made them feel. It feels really great to have truly made someone’s day, month, year, without even realizing all that they needed was company. But at the end of the day, there’s a little gesture that you may have missed, something much more important, something that has to do with you.
I had a feeling 2016 was not going to be my year – not to be downright pessimistic about everything but the year started of blue. Yes, it really felt it had a mellow, more of a nostalgic start. About 11 months ago, I came back to the motherland, to the country I still question and doubt for long and hard up until this day. I returned back from a country I knew I could grow comfortable in; some place where I can finally say, “I can feel you, home and I feel safer than ever”. Life said otherwise, though. As I began to find my shape and fit in a land not far away from the motherland, I had to fly back eventually after a two-year long wonderful sojourn. 10 months later, my heart still flips and some days, it would jolt. Other days, it would painfully see right through my mind of the days they once were. The beginning of the year was quiet a transition for me and needless to say, I was not quite sure of how to feel about it then. And even now.
I made big steps and decisions in life. I ended a relationship I thought would have lasted but maybe because my circumstances were no match in tolerating what it was and it still was. Then on, I had to let go of something that felt so dear and precious to me. The transition, premature growth and everything unprecedented stabbed me in the chest, leaving me with no choice but to fight a lethal battle, halfheartedly. Not long after, I took a huge leap of faith and decided to distract my mind from all those with what people associate to as a ‘job’ or ‘work’; I made a decision to finally secure a one-year freelance contract in an agency I never thought I could have survived in. Months have passed and here I am, with a work I can finally love and hate at the same time and eventually feel grateful for, day-by-day.
I have made reckless decisions as I rekindled the past. I died on a sinking ship that had been a carcass long before any of those happened. Eventually, my reckless decisions resulted in me losing some friends and companies along the way. I had hoped of becoming a good sport but my uncontrollable feelings backfired against everything I had said, done and thought. I grew in contempt with all my surroundings and my circumstances; I lashed out, threw tantrums, filled my soul with negativity as I attacked those who least deserved my troubled mind.
There’s a part of me that wants to say, well, you’re a step ahead than anyone. You’re growing, you’re ripening in the season and for once, you will come to understand that adversity is the slow, painstaking yet worthy road to maturity, strength and wisdom. There’s a muscle inside of me moving and building because only then, I can recall back that the worst year of my life has finally brought me this far. But those thoughts are far from what and where they are right now.
I cannot see how great and grand the next year will be. I feel like I’m still searching for more of what’s to come and I think that I can finally say life has just been a constant slap in the face. There is an undisclosed desire, more of a thought that goes on forever in my head thinking, “am I really at the right age to feel so deeply and seriously about everything?
I can’t seem to see a greater picture of what is to come in life. I really cannot. And I don’t want to put pressure on the things and people that are not meant to be in my life. But so far, as the year comes to a close, I cannot accentuate and highlight how deeply remorse I am of the things I did to make myself feel this weak and frail because as much as life graced, life became a difficult task to bear.