My mind wanders to everything I had experienced a few years ago – maybe it did wander a little too much. For all the hours, days and weeks I try to be productive, some days I wished things were how it used to be. Things then were good; everything became a reminder of how great, beautiful and precious those moments were. And for a while now, I really do miss it. Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, maybe I’m wrong for wanting to feel this vulnerable again – maybe I’m not over it. Over everything. Over us.
I remembered playing the piano again for the first time after a year of leaving the comforts of home. And honestly, I had been playing songs I used to play to you. Right in that moment, I was bombarded by a flashback memory of feeling ecstatic about learning new songs by ear and finally being able to play them to you. Those were your songs and my songs; those were our songs. I was proud of myself and I felt that in you too. I couldn’t believe that you would show such keen interest in patiently waiting for me to finally press the piano keys. You would tell me that I’ll be doing just fine and that the songs I play would sound beautifully although my insecurities thought otherwise. I would tell you honestly of how I managed to learn the songs by heart in a few weeks just so that the next time you returned home from you never ending sojourns, you could finally watch me play them to you live.
I love my piano; I love how it reminds me a bulk of memories of you and me. It became a poignant reminder of the way you would sit next to me and would watch me play. In between the smiles we share and the head nodding, you would sit closer and try to steal a kiss. We would laugh most of the time as we gesticulated awkwardly to confront them. Some days when I don’t feel like playing, you would tell me of how you missed hearing and watching me play our favorite songs.
You were one of the reasons why I had become passionate about a lot of things. You were the reason why those mix tapes and CDs mattered to me and that I would try hard to curate and pick out songs that I knew you and I would enjoy listening to. You also became the reason why cheesy song lyrics like "Dress and Tie" or "Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop" would replay on my head over and over again. Most of all, you were the reason why my piano playing skills and my baby grand were my two most cherished assets – because without them, I wouldn’t be able to see your face lit up with as we shared the same excitement of having to listen to the songs I play to you.
You were probably the reason why I lost hope in love too. I was broken and hurt and I became vulnerable enough to find comfort only in my shelled and petty thoughts. Through all the accumulated heartbreaks and disappointments I have experienced, I came to a conclusion to finally build my walls higher and thicker just so that I can escape the fantasy of what love really is. I decided to bid love adieu and put off mental signs in my life that read 'emotionally unavailable'. At least that's how I thought about it then.
The piano became a reminder of why I was hurt yet at the same time, happy and content. The way I was so frail and insecure, yet was safe and loved. I knew someone out there would appreciate my sub par piano playing skills and that someone so happens to be you. Maybe things are different now; maybe I wouldn’t find someone that would appreciate my skills so much as you do. Maybe the piano and you mattered most to me then – and both still do, only maybe differently this time.