You’re just caught up – caught up with the warm, fuzzy, transient feeling. There’s nothing wrong with that, really. On the verge of destruction, you lay out the once red bricks scurried, one by one; you try to fix the pieces of the rusted, worn out walls once more. You said you had enough, that’s for sure; you were once obdurate and assertive enough to let the walls stand tall and firm, for yourself, for your own good. But you let it collapse, you let it fall, you ruined the barricade you once held firm for your fragile, dying heart. All of a sudden, all you witnessed was just a crumbling wall of no good intentions, of no use, and of waste. And then it all came to you – you wished you had never done it. You’re swamped with regret, sorrow, and an experience you can never revert back. In retrospect, you let your life, your feelings, and your heart fall into an undeserving soul. You were naïve; you did not realize that until you experienced it first hand, because the people who cared about you, those who would selflessly cradle and take care of your frail little soul have warned you, but you turned away from their cries, their begs. You lacked trust, sans faith.
So here you are, rebelling against what’s good for your self, for your soul. You feed into despair and insecurities. You try to fix the walls, brick by brick, but you realized your reckless mistakes directed you onto a different course of fate. You cry yourself to sleep, you weep into your bed sheets and pillows – the only ones living vicariously through your emotional pain. And aside from the crumbling wall, you have unintentionally crumbled your soul, the most painful, insidious way.
“Why won’t I ever learn?” You ask yourself the night you sleep into your nightmares. You were blinded thinking that your walls were ever going to stand tall the way it used to, you tried plucking the weeds surrounding it, you could not have imagined it becoming this barren, this unmaintained, this unloved. You failed to love yourself; you failed to see what’s good of yourself, of maintaining the walls you were building, for the best. The tumbled walls became a reminder of how scathed and broken you were, only because you tried to love someone too much without even thinking of loving yourself. You cared too much, you were naïve, that’s all.
“No everyone can think and feel the way you do. You can’t expect them to return the sincerest form of love you once selflessly gave to them.”