21 April 2016

Part One.

Remember the time where you have taken someone for granted? You toss and turn all the moments and then before you know it, you lose those that are dear to you – your friends, lovers, and loved ones, your family members. You took them all for granted and you couldn’t remember, you couldn’t remember the fact that you never know when you’ll meet someone for the last time. Be it a death, a breakup, or just a fight, you never know when two, three or multiple hearts and mind will ever synchronize and rekindle the way they used to. 

Months have passed – I fell in of love, care and affection of someone I know is dear to me. I loved him like a friend and something more. Maybe I loved and cared about him too much. Some days, I think about how worth it our relationship was and I would feel like I’m on cloud nine. I loved how he made me feel – like I was worth every star in the constellations, every droplet of rain that fall, and every molecule and particle that make the clouds. As hyperbolic as the metaphor goes, he made me feel those ways in the most perfect yet, deceitful way. Other days, I would bask myself in remorse, sadness and pain, not from the fact that he, just like every human being, could hurt me, but because I was blinded – by all his gestures that seemed to frame my every thought and mind. I was caught in a dilemma and I was scared of being taken for granted; I remembered feeling off. I felt a sudden rage inside that was pushing and jostling against the walls of my body – and then I remembered holding back the bitter and perplexing feeling, not knowing that the experience was corroding me all the more.

We might have taken each other for granted. I was scared, I was caught in the middle and I wanted to take care of the pain, the burden and the messy part all alone. I felt that nothing would go wrong; he assured that we were doing really well. I thought otherwise. I burst out in rage and angst, I was hopeless yet at the same time, emotionally restless. You know that jumbled, odd feeling? I didn’t realize I would have plunged myself into a love that was vulnerable, precarious, and one filled with uncertainty. I thought I was na├»ve enough to have believed and placed my all into someone whom was capable of making me feel safe and secure but in truth, it became no more than dust swimming in the air – insignificant, forgotten, scattered. 

You have to know what you want and maybe all these times, I didn’t know what I want. I prolonged that selfish love and out of fear; I complied, succumbed and I stuck to the status quo. Not because I was brave enough to let him know that all this was draining me emotionally but because I was afraid. The days I regretted, the days he questioned my assertion out of suspicion, I assured myself that nothing else matter than the love I have for myself. Because as much as I want to love him, I had to be sure of what I wanted – and I could not take the pain of falling into the same mistakes over and over again. 

Here’s to the love we thought was true, here’s to the relationships that has changed us, maybe for good, for the worse or for the better. But here’s to the comfort and love, the sadness and tears that I've shed every night, maybe because of you. Here’s to taking someone for granted and giving him or her the feeling they will never, ever forget. I don’t know if we will ever find our harmony, our synchronized thoughts; our wavelengths of the different frequency that we forcefully coincide. But maybe we will one day realize, we should have known better that we’ll never know what we’ve got till it’s gone.  

I’ll carry you in my heart, always. But keep in mind that I’ll also carry those pain and cynicism in it.