7 March 2016

Note To Self

As of October 2014.

I grew flowers, twigs, trees – I grew a garden out of my once bitter, incorrigible self. I learned how to pluck off the weeds and the scum that disturbed and stained my soul; I grew imperceptible of what’s out there, maybe I conformed too much to the world, to those that mattered and don’t, to those that were mere parasites to my soul. But right now, I nurtured myself in good and fertilised soil; I grew myself for the better and I know, I am currently learning to love and respect the people I once shunned and hated, and also, myself. I want to outgrow the negativities I once bore and learn to embrace the good in everything. We are never going to learn to plant our own gardens if we keep on dragging these excuses in our lives; we are more than just our indifferences, our egos, and our grandiose talks; small good and loving gestures matter most.

For the past few years, I was a bitter human being. I picked individuals that mattered, and reject those that didn’t. I took criticisms to heart and I distanced myself to those that cared about me. I was weary and tired of the never-ending anxiety to the point where writing down and reflecting on my feelings, and the so-called epiphany became feigned. I made false promises – to myself and to the people I cared about. I put on a façade of niceties and serenity when deep inside my soul, I was just bitter. And there’s no better way to describe a better character to myself then. I grew hard and difficult on myself, I thought maybe being nice was all that mattered and but it was more of being fake, and losing trust to the people around me. My thoughts were clouding over me and it brought me to worse heights as it controlled my every experiences and judgments.

As I learn to mature myself in good soil, there is no better way to start anew in a place and environment filled with great and loving people – those that told me truths that I needed to hear, those that embraced me for my difficulties and flaws, and also times that I felt the need to be alone and introspective. These valuable instances became ones that I treasure and look for more, day after day. In a world where all the possibilities and opportunities are endless, I want to always learn for the better. I might not have everything set in place for the near future and truth be told, knowing what I want has been nothing but a blur. But there is always room for moving forward, for getting up, falling down and getting back up again. Life is more than just the bitter thoughts I hold against individuals, against experiences and against myself. As I remember these and let them play in my head everyday, I learn to forgive people and forgive myself. I remember that ever human make mistakes. There is always room for improvements if I just happen to open my mind to all the different perspectives in life and let not my obdurateness determine the way I treat people or worse, let it determine my character.

Many out there are still looking for ways to better take care of their gardens. I want to open people’s eyes and let them see how lovely the world is and there is always, always, time for their gardens to grow. A room for love is never too big nor too small and I am throwing out the bitterness of myself that has been hindering me away, so that I'll learn to love and be of love in the days to come.