24 March 2015

Hi, Time

Time passes by so swiftly and before I know it, I am entering my fourth week in Brisbane. Time really taught me a lot of things from the moment I flew back to my second city, this time, one way. I realized that time and my heart has not been in sync, and that’s okay. I felt that tinge, and it disturbed and itched me more than ever. Despite them, time was still confident of its perfection. From time to time, my heart wanted to slow it down, as I drag it for almost three years, pushing the minutes and hour hands backwards, trying to disrupt its rhythmic beats and movements, day by day. Coming back, I was capable of thinking mostly in retrospect. Much to my surprise, I matured, within a speed that time wanted me to and it resulted into the most surreal and heartfelt experience of my life. I felt it move with tremendous celerity, successfully beguiling me of its beauty and trust. From then on, I realized from time to time again, I had pushed myself back against the wall, strangling and choking myself up, taking myself granted to my own peril – I was incapable of growing, blossoming and reincarnating in the seconds, minutes, and hours that time has prepared for me so generously. Looking through and through, I slowly crawled back learning to take my steps as I willingly grow and move away from the stagnation that was an obvious result of my own emotional decisions.

Second semester, Brisbane, and this second time around, I guess I really have shown so much more with the art of letting go, especially with my past. I have succumbed in it for far too long; I have so-called embraced it, clung onto it, all the other descriptions I have written for the past few years now. Time began with whispering in my ears, gently reminding me the experiences that I will one day regret but time was capable of rising itself to a clamor, telling me that I am better than just struggling to rummage through the archives of my heart and my past. Time was constantly reminding me that I am more than dwelling and reliving the nostalgia that were meant for keepsake. The past is there for a reason and although the sweet-sounding tunes and memories daunts me evermore, time has been telling me what lies ahead is far greater than those I leave behind. I may have learned it through the most strenuous, onerous way possible, I may have distrusted time once, twice and repetitively but as it ebbed and flowed in my life all the more freely, I am unconsciously reaching for more than just a mere thought or a euphoria of a new start – but a new, healthier and a humbling way of life. 

Today, time told me that everything is going to be okay when I can finally trust it and its work. Remembering of a post I came across last week, I looked up to see the stars that twinkled, the lights that pass through my eyes from the reminiscing past, and the hopefulness of what is yet to come. Because as much as I am committing to trust time I am also committing to put my trust in the universe, knowing that everything will okay in the end. As I continued to look up the void of space above me whilst standing amid chilly air on the balcony of my friend’s apartment, this very instance made me realize just how infinitesimally I am within the universe’s wonderful, majestic, grandiose, extraordinary work of art. Despite my sheer size and significance, I still played a role and my feelings were more than just basking into pettiness – because as those feelings come through, time has been encouraging me to feel blessed for being part of this wonderful artwork. To breathe, to believe and to always have hope. What is more important than those tingling feeling of insignificance is that our problems become obsolete. Those neurotic, insidious, toxic thoughts that whir in my mind are merely specs of dusts flowing on thin air, waiting to continuously distract and puffery, wanting to gain my attention. The twinkling starts becomes a reminder of truly believing that I am here, where I am right now, not to only exist; that I actually mattered and everything I do is a plan for peace, comfort and joy. The small insignificant self is always significant in the eyes of the bright twinkling stars, looking down on billions of others and I, each and every night.

Time you have taught me more in for weeks than you did during those times I try to fight you back. Introspective, I learned to trust you one more time as you have patiently handled me through both the ups and downs of my experiences. I want to outgrow my past, outgrow myself from where I left off, and I want to be better as I learn to let everything flow gracefully.