9 March 2015

A Letter To My Best Friend

I hope you’re happy. Not just the over-the-surface kind of happy, but genuinely joyful despite the awkward ending we had on our relationship, again, for the second time. Never have I really expected anything from you, well maybe the fact that I was really stubborn, selfish and without a doubt, emotional with the circumstances. You deserve someone better; someone who treats you with respect and will always be there whenever the going gets rough. I’m sorry, if I haven’t been able to do that with you, be it as a girlfriend or a best friend. In retrospect, maybe you were right, maybe we are two world’s apart incapable of slowly finding our way back together one day, let alone giving our relationship another shot. Yes, at first I was hurt and yes, there is nothing I could do to change those thoughts, or even my character. But for a while now, I thought you were willing to fight for me and maybe try and settle in our differences just so we can find that synchronisation within our dragging dissonance.

I am sorry for all the petty characters that you may think are becoming a major hindrance to our relationship and I am sorry, for all the thoughts and actions that are bringing and weighing you down for the worse. There are a lot of things that I have yet to understand, places I have yet to see, and breakthroughs that I have yet to attain in life, and maybe right now, without you in the picture. I am most thankful for being your friend and being able to just be there whenever you feel the need to talk to me. I am most grateful for your thoughts and also all the small things that I overlook, those small gestures that matter most in relationships. I am sorry for the anxieties and the cancerous thoughts that are surging insidiously within me and I know I need to fight them myself. I really am a difficult person and having you to cope with me for the past several years have been a major blessing in my life – I learned new things, I received new perspective but most of all, I learned how difficult love was. I learned sacrificing and I learned to put others above myself. I am sorry for the days I felt insecure, and needing mostly your assurance. Maybe it’s time I be independent for now and it’s time I give you the space you needed for quiet some time.

I do hope you will one day understand that despite this growing and maturity process that we both are experiencing right now, you will then remember that I am as equally human as you are, and I am inside and out, flawed. I want you to know that as much as we are different as individuals, I had hoped you were there to take me in and hoped for something, just as I had emotionally and fervently did. I cared too much and worse, maybe within the process I hoped and clung too much to you and your thoughts, realising that it was a mere parasite to my entire system. I am sorry that maybe fighting for me or even yet, saving the relationship is neither worth your time nor even it is within our capacity. Maybe I still am hoping for you and maybe for now, I am waiting, a little more patiently for our paths will one day cross. But as lethal as that can be, I will try to dwindle down those euphoria and so-called hopeful beam that will most likely wear away in the days to come. 

Just remember for now and maybe later that I love you and I always will. Never have I gone a day feeling blessed and grateful of everything you have given and done for me. Thank you for the good and bad. I thank God each and everyday. I do hope you’ll find the life experiences, the new friends, the new journey with love that you have yearned for in a long time. I pray you’ll find your peace and comfort, knowing that those things are meant for you in the end.