17 February 2015

Okay.

We perused our way in the slits between, the thoughts unspoken, and the mind that cannot seem to find a conclusion for it. For once, the hairs from my arms and my skin felt tingly as my body parts quivered from an uncertainty clouding over me. Because as far as my body parts gestured awkwardly and anxiously, I became arrogant and insecure, anxious yet curious, and in all the words that I can never seem to spit out, my mind has given me signs that I have ignored for as long as I remember. I thought I was vulnerable but I wasn’t and then again, I thought I’ve gotten the circumstances up my sleeve but it kept falling away, scurrying into rotten discomforts. I was comfortable, or am I? But my head tries to cover up the heart that is corroding day by day, wishing it had taken its chance of confidence, saying them right onto your face. Because we know the days will close to an end and the very last day that there is will come as we discover that only time will be a prime role to our relationship. Because my heart will one day wear out with the thoughts of 1AM insomnia, while you lie awake at 10PM and still wishing that I would one day become a night owl and mere phone calls will be the place of each other’s company.

I’m scared of what life lies ahead and I am scared of waiting, I’m scared of all the betrayals of patiently waiting and sitting, and merely hoping that a sign somewhere would finally appear. But I thought wrong and maybe because the clutches of yesterday has been suffocating me for years. Because the whispers of my rational thoughts have swerved further away from what my heart had yearned for, and those that cared and loved me hundreds and thousands of miles away will always see pass my fearful judgments.

“Learn to grow and never stop growing.” My dad taught me well and he wanted to see my heart grow with those that are willing to help me for the better. I cried, thinking about those that are willing to lift me up to walk slowly back on my two feet and yet, I have been stubborn. I let the pain sink deep into my bones that whenever I start jerking, I could feel it paralyzing a little part of me. He wanted me to grow, for the better because he cannot understand the pain I’ve been experiencing for almost at least three years of my life. I thought, I never did learn because I enjoyed the cycle of pain and what I thought was “being selfless”. I enjoyed the one-way cycle of love and sacrifice and getting the wild flowers grow beneath my lungs, and my rib cages, and my just all over my thoughts. Pretty as they are, they were what consumed me insidiously both mentally and physically. 

I wanted to spit them out once more and I want to learn to grow. Yes, maybe I need you and maybe it might not ever be the same again. Because as much as I am confused and lost with the paved ways that are halfway done, I am trying to understand what your frail little heart actually wants from me. Because my dad has always reminded me, to grow and to never stop growing and that’s what I want to do while I can and while I will be at it. Maybe it’s not with you in the picture now, maybe it will be. But whatever happens, remember me for the beautiful marks I have left you in your soul and the littlest things I have tried to make you feel happy and secure, and the little gestures I never fail to show you just because they were that small for your to even notice. Because as much as I am so sick of the thoughts of running around chasing after my imaginary tail once more, I want you to remember that I have been put in a position of discomfort to become a blessing to you and to others. But most of all, to love you and to feel sickened and confused all the more greatly in my life. Never have I doubted its preciousness of relationship between us two, but I will one day question those ambiguous gestures you trapped my heart in.